Bilbo's torrid tales I
by gyu-chan
Summary: Hello, my pretties! Have you come to read my stories? Yes, Uncle Bilbo tells very nice stories. Very nice indeed! [hey, look, i know it may be badsad, but at least flame! please rr!]


_Bilbo Baggins keenly eyed his prey, mouth watering in anticipation.  "Another tale then, my pretties?  Well, okay then", he said, licking his lips.  "Mmm...  Succulent..." he thought to himself._

_The Nefarious…  No, wait.  The Nutritious N....  Wrong again?  How about the Nubile Nine?  Fussy, aren't you.  Okay, hold on, I think I have it…  Alright then, here goes._

**The Story of the _Notable_ Nine and the Locks of Gold.******

_Rivendell___

Elrond, the wise and venerable half-elf-lord, leaned over the intricately carved window ledge of his study, deep in thought.  

"Yo!  Dude!!  Wasssssssssuuuuuupp!!!?", Glorfindel called out from an alcove across the valley, breaking the pristine silence and causing hackles to raise on the back of the half-elf's neck.

"Yes, Glorfindel, I am quite well", he replied after a moments pause, silently thanking Erú that Glorfindel had not gone along with the Nine.

"Wicked!!!!!!!  Then you'll come with me to play spin-the-bottle with the elf-babes!!!!"

A small smile graced Elrond's usually stern features.

"Wait up, dude", he shouted back.  "Let me just brush my teeth...

_Somewhere in the wilderness of Eriador...___

Behind the coarse bristles of his grizzled beard, Gandalf the Grey chuckled softly to himself.

"Ho ho ho…  So funny… ", he said, to no one in particular.  At this, Legolas, son of Thranduil, a Prince of the elves of Mirkwood, frowned for the fifteenth time that night.  Shivering, the elf wrapped his cloak around himself tightly, earning puzzled looks from sweating "fellowshippians", another unfunny joke taken from "Gandalf's Grey Book of Humour", written during the elderly wizard's sojourn in the Tower of Orthanc.  (It was sometimes unkindly referred to as "Gandalf's Grey Book of Horror" by the Ringbearer…)

Brushing back bangs of silky, golden hair that had at times rivalled the much celebrated locks of Galadriel the Noldoli, but paling in comparison to the mane of a certain man called Fabio, Legolas shot a sharp glance at Aragorn, then Boromir, then Frodo, then Boromir again, then Merry, then Sam, then the stupid Dwarf, then Pippin, and then finally to Sam's pony, Bill, who winked and leered at him in response.

"Such a _nice_ pony", the elf muttered darkly to himself.  "Stupid, fat hobbit!  Why, back in the wood…

Suddenly, the hair on the back of Sam's neck bristled, his eyebrows jiggled, and he sneezed twice in succession.  Also, he walked under a ladder, stepped on a black cat and touched Hugo Weaving's wig.  And then he stepped on a piece of oliphaunt cr-p.  Somewhere, far, far away, Tom Bombadil laughed.  Sam scratched his neck, shrugged, and continued walking, blissfully unaware of his equine companion's fancy of long-haired elves.

"Do you realise-", a wide-eyed Frodo said suddenly, so suddenly that Gimli suddenly dropped his trusty axe.

"Do you realise that we forgot to bring any mascara or nail polish?"

At this both Aragorn and Boromir groaned, slapping themselves on the forehead and kicking Gimli in the shins.  "By Boy George!" he exclaimed.

Legolas chuckled.  "Boys, boys...", he chided as he picked he the stupid dwarf's axe.

"Don't you know it's not nice to pick on small children?" the elf added.

Grunting, Gimli, son of Gloin, snatched his axe from the stupid elf, who in return scratched the Dwarf with his long, long nails.  The Dwarf shrunk back, stroking the rents on his cheek.

"Insolent prettyboy…", he muttered under his breath.  "Doesn't he know that Dwarves have skin of a most delicate nature?  Why, even Orcs have been known to give moisturiser to a wayward Dwarf now and then…"

His thoughts were interrupted by the unsteady galloping of a mighty steed, black as – well, it wasn't black at all (it was orange), and as built as Arwen.  [Hey, she's ain't called Arwen "Evenstar" for nuthin!]

The Ringwraith edged closer as the nine edged back.

"Are you the Nine", it said in a sinister, although very nasal and high-pitched voice.  

"Yes…  We are the Nightmarish Nine…"  Frodo hissed through clenched teeth.  "And now, we shall-

"Wasn't it the Neutered Nine?" Aragorn asked arrogantly, interrupting.

"No, the Nine Newlyweds!"  Boromir boisterously blustered.

"Nay, the Nine Needlewomen!" Gimli grunted.

"The Nauseating Nine?"  Pippin proposed.

"The Nine Nincompoops?" Merry mocked.

"Shut up!  This is getting old!"  Legolas shouted loutishly, brushing back his silky golden locks.

"Fools!!  It was foretold that the future name of our fellowship would be the Fellowship", farted the fearsome but flatulent Frodo 

[gyu: heh…  okay.  I'll stop the annoying alliteration now]

Suddenly, a green blur sped towards them.  All Nine drew their weapons and awaited the approaching menace.  The blur came to a sudden stop [gyu: sorry.] directly in front of the party.  It was an orc chewing a wad of hobbit, wearing a DKNY short skirt, and a short blouse that revealed its sagging midriff.  The Nine recoiled and dropped their swords in horror, except Gandalf, who giggled, and Sam, who belched rather loudly, who dropped the beer bottle he had been holding...

            ...Oh yeah, and the Ringwraith rode slowly and silently away, head bowed, dismayed that it was no longer the centre of attention.

Giving them an appraising look, the orc fluttered his eyelashes and said dispassionately, "Like, hi.  I'm from, like, Saruman Designs, Inc.  I was wondering if you ladies would like to try some of our-" the orc stopped, startled by the blinding light coming from Legolas' hair.  The foul but stylish servant of Saruman exclaimed, "What the-?  Girl, you need a makeover.  Lose that hair!  It's like, soooo First Age!!"

Legolas flushed, obviously offended.  Boromir slapped him, saying, "PHHOOOOWAARRR!!!!!  THAT WAS LIKE, A MOST UNCOOL WASTAGE OF WATER, DUDE!!!"

Legolas flushed again, narrowly avoiding being slapped by Boromir for the second time.  The elf retorted, "well-  well-  at least I don't wear stilettos with _my_ frocks.  That's soooo pre-Sauron era!"

The Nine gasped in shock as they focused their attention on the orc, who was visibly squirming.

"Destroy the foul abomination!!"  Pippin screamed.

Gandalf's nose began to glow brightly, and then slammed his staff into the ground, bellowing, "YOU – SHALL – NOT –  PAAASSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Frodo held up the Ring.  "Behold!  The ONE RING!!!" he spat.

Surprisingly, the orc did not draw back in fear and revulsion.  Instead, it blushed, and said, "Oh, you don't have to do that, Frodo.  The only ring I'm interested in is-"

The orc turned its head and fixed its eyes upon Aragorn.

"Where is it!!!  Why haven't you given it to me yet!!"

A perplexed prince replied, "But I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Don't you recognise me?"

A moment of silence followed..  "...Arwen!?!?"

"Took you long enough!" she chided, slapping him on the inside of his head.  "I'm travelling incognito, by the way.  I don't always look like this...  Anyway, never mind.  My point is...  What is your son going to say, eh?  Just when are you going to get me that ring?!!?"

"Hey now, calm down.  You're embarrassing me in front of the guys...

Suddenly, Arwen realised something.  Looking shrewdly at the Nine, she surmised that something suspicious was going on.

"I knew it!  I just knew it!  And to think I believed you when you told me that the pink underwear 3 sizes too small for me was-

"Err, I don't think the guys need to hear this...  Can we talk about this back at yo' folks dump?"

At this, finally, the fair maiden departed from that company so noble, the Noble Ni...

"And to think I gave up Gorgeous Glorfindel for that shaggy little..." Arwen muttered as she marched off.

The Nine then set out for Khazad-Dum, hand in hand, whistling the tune of the merry man with white eyes who actually looked like a troll and was from Far Harad.

And thus ends the story of the Non-existent Nine.

_Yeah, I know.  I ran out of steam at the end.  Eh...  I think I need to work on my humour...  My apologies if I offended anyone._

LegolasxGimli forever!!!        Not...  


End file.
